No Back-Up Plan

I am feeling some unexpected emotions that have caught me off guard.  I have written my last rental check at the apartment and as exciting as that is financially, it is a milestone that I never really gave much thought to.  My lease is up on March 31st at which time I must turn in my key and no longer be a resident.   I have spent the last 4 months unloading my belongings.  At Christmas time, my "gift" to my children were things that I owned that they expressed interest in having and things that I just thought they could use. It caused some laughter and joking about Mom being "cheap", but I think they were appreciative.  Now I have only an air mattress and a few things that must still be distributed. Which brings me to these emotions.

I have ALWAYS had a place of my own. As a child my parents provided a home, then my husband and after he passed I owned our family home and then rented  a couple of apartments.  Now, however, I have put all of my confidence in God providing for my needs.  I would like to be able to declare "God will provide all of my needs" with Christian confidence. Although intellectually I do believe that, emotionally I am feeling insecure and a bit scared. Does this make me less faithful?  I think not, I think it makes me human and a good place for God to put his arm around me and show his care for me.  Nonetheless it is a new and unfamiliar feeling.  My first instinct is to make a back up plan, but I am resisting, instead choosing the path of trusting in the midst of insecurity.

This is it. There is no Back-up plan.  My entire life is wrapped up in "one day at a time". So today I have an amazing place to live, an amazing mission and wonderful people in my life that just 6 months ago I didn't even know. Each morning I wake up, open my curtains and stand in awe of His provision.

 All I can say is " Thank you God, may all that I say, do and think today honor you"
AMEN

Bubble Bath

God is so good.  Last week she was in a homeless shelter...tonight she's taking a bubble bath.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
~Jeremiah 29:10-12

Prayer & Praise:

 Join me in celebrating a young lady who has decided to give birth and keep her baby.
 Pray for me as I travel the several hours to go get her. She is only about 8 weeks pregnant, scared and confused but determined to provide for her baby.

A Peace of Heaven on Earth

I am just over 3 months into my new life here at the "Inn".  I am still in awe of the beauty,  the peace and the solitude this place exudes. Words cannot express how humbled and honored I am to be a part of this ministry   This is undoubtedly the most amazing endeavor that God has assigned me thus far. 

 I know, escorting Joe into eternity was a big one and helping Mom while she was dying of cancer was huge too, but this is bigger still. I don't know the magnitude and will probably only understand it when looking in hindsight from the other side, but I know for sure this IS my destiny.

The years of preparation have been both exciting and painful.  Allowing the power of the Holy Spirit to purge me of my negative destructive thinking about myself, others and of him. Renewing me with the truth of Gods word.and moving into a real  relationship with Jesus. Seeing his  loving and ever faithful nature. Becoming the person, the Connie, that God created me to be..  This is a season of life I am truly happy to be in.   

So here I am, House Mother at a maternity  home for unwed mothers.  In the old days the maternity homes were for good girls who made a bad choice.  Today, I believe they are still good girl, but our world has deteriorated to such a degree that our  good girls are being abuse, neglected, trafficked and destroyed in ways that just 2 or 3  generations ago they would never have believed.

It is absolutely heartbreaking to see the underbelly of a nation that once stood for integrity, had morals and valued a human life devour it's offspring.  We have replaced relationship with technology and values with greed. The woes of our world goes on and on, which I won't do. I'm just glad that in the midst of the chaos God has provided a safe place for  women to come to find peace, comfort, love, restoration and  hope. For some it is  the first time they have ever considered the possibility of  a future for themselves and their precious babies.  

Again, I am honored to have been chosen for such a time as this and I ask for serious prayer, for myself, for this ministry, but mostly for the ladies who have come through here and for those whom God will send.

Be Blessed ,
Connie

"The experiences of our lives, when we let God use them, become the mysterious and perfect preparation for the work He will give us to do." - Corrie ten Boom

First Assignments

I met with the volunteer coordinator yesterday and she gave me my first assignments. 2 elderly people at a nursing home. Although I had told her that I didn't want to work at nursing homes, I felt pretty good about accepting these two. She described them as lovely people who really just needed a little companionship and an advocate. I waited until after lunch so hopefully my people would have finished eating and be ready for a visitor.

I went straight to the nursing station upon my arrival introduced myself and asked where I could find my lady and gentleman. They were less than helpful. When I ask for where I might find Ms Lucy, she asked ;" is that the one with the walker?" I told her I did not know, I haven't meet her yet. The nurse told me the lady would be in the sitting room, just call out her name she will answer you and the gentleman was in his room sleeping to go on in. I went into the sitting room called out Ms Lucy's name and no one answered me. I found her sleeping soundly in a chair and didn't feel comfortable waking her up so I went on down the hall to Mr K's room. He is a stroke victim and I was told that he has a hard time communicating. That information was an understatement. I found Mr k in his bed with his sheets pulled down pointing to his diaper. It was obviously in need of changing, his lungs were rattling as though he needed to cough and have a breathing treatment and his the whites of his eyes were very red. Perhaps from crying,. He seemed in distress and scared.

I went to find someone to tell that he needed assistance and found no one who cared or had time to listen to me. I left poor Mr K and Ms Lucy and will go see the hospice coordinator tomorrow. I don't think she understands what my purpose is of volunteering with them.

I cannot stand the depravity and cruelty that mankind is capable of inflicting upon one another and these horrors are so very evident in nursing homes.

Hospice volunteer: I've been accepted

I just got a call from the Hospice program I applied with , my background check came back clear (whew,haha). I go Monday to pick up my name badge and get my patients.

Given the date and time of year. I dedicate my hospice service to my beloved husband, Joseph Leslie Danford. Whom on 12/12/1981 @ 12:12pm we exchanged wedding vows and I am proud to say we fulfilled our vow. Through sickness and in health, until death we did part, but only in the physical. The two became one and part of me is already there. I look forward to our reunion, but until then I hope to discover and complete my purpose with as much grace and dignity as he did. It was through our battle with cancer and his ensuing death that I learned more about Faith, Family, God, Love, Life, Purpose, sickness, commitment and the true meaning of death and eternity in 14 month than many learn in a lifetime. We have it backwards, our time on earth is death and decay. At what we call death is in actuality the life we so desperately seek while we are on this side of heaven.

I truly do look forward to standing on this side of eternity, pointing towards Jesus and ushering others through the doorway. I consider it an honor and a great privilege to be allowed to be part of the intimate death experience. To have the opportunity to talk, listen, pray and really get to know my patients and their families. This is where the rubber meets the road, all games aside. Good, bad or indifferent it is the kind of reality that is honest and true. I anticipate my experience with reverence and trepidation, peace and sense of knowing that this is my calling. No matter what I encounter my God goes before me, preparing the way. All I really have to do is stay in his presence. Be His hands and feet, His heart and compassion. Remembering always Proverbs 3:5 .

Hospice Volunteer

After years of contemplating, the time has finally come for me to accept God's prompting to become a hospice volunteer. The seed was planted during my husbands illness. It has been watered and nurtured for 6 years. Friday of last week (Dec 3rd) I picked up an application, got a TB test and training videos. Monday morning I went back, dropped off the application, had the TB test read and today I finished watching the videos. I should hear something next week when they get my background check finished. This will be a place for me to record my life and experiences or more importantly the amazing miracles I will see and experience as I walk this path of hospice.

Keep me in your prayers.....

I am a new creation

I am no longer living in today carrying along yesterdays' woes. Tomorrow has troubles of it's own and so DID yesterday. I have carried them with me to learn, exam and grow, but that has gone on long enough. Now it is time to take all of the introspection and put it to use in todays world. A world that is so void of hope and encouragement. A world that is so afraid of death that they are afraid to live. Part of me died that day & part of me is already in Heaven, but the part of me that is still alive and still on this earth needs to LIVE.

I recently said to someone that I feel like I am living someone else's life... just going through the motions living a life that is far removed from the one I had. The one that I was familiar with, comfortable with. That life that I knew and understood is gone.

Today I am not married, not in a relationship, not dependent upon any one. Today I must live as though I were alive because I am. It is a new life that I have to learn. Like a child exploring the world for the first time. New rules, new parameters, new experiences, new everything...and it's not all a bad thing.

When Jesus Returns

What would you like to be doing the very moment Jesus returns?

I would like to be with a dying person,as a spiritual midwife.
Encouraging, escorting and celebrating their arrival into eternity.

Real "life" begins when we realize that we are dying. Until then we are just existing. When we understand how fragile and temporary this life on earth is, then we can start to envision the eternal life that God has prepared for us.
The "forever and ever", Amen.

When we begin to see that at any moment we are in danger of losing this comfortable lifestyle we have created for ourselves, then we begin find a strong desire to make a difference, make an impact, change a life. To live like there is no tomorrow and not sweat the small stuff.

The secret of LIFE is to find that 'thing' we would like to be doing, before His return. While we are still strong and healthy. When it appears that we have years ahead of us and DO it.

Start now, while there is still time to enjoy the blessings and satisfaction of pouring into another soul the Love and Peace and Grace that has been poured into our own lives.

"For I am crucified in Christ, nevertheless I live; yet not I,but Christ who lives in me" ~ Galatians 2:20

My dear friends, "for me to live is Christ and to die is gain." ~Philippians 1:21
What can man do to me that my Father in Heaven does not allow?

...so, again I ask, "what would you like to be doing the MOMENT Jesus Christ returns?

Unconditional Mother Love

May i humbly take a break from the armor that protects me. May I lay it aside for a moment to feel. I can feel the pain of aloneness and solitude. No one to touch, hug, kiss, no one to touch me or hug me or kiss me. But more than that I miss the love of my mother. That unconditional love. That encouraging, edifying love. The Love of a mother that hopes all thing, believes all things, knows all things about me. Even tho she knows all the bad things too, she never looked at that. Her precious, pure eyes could only see the good, the sincere, the love. Imparted into me from her own reservoir of unfathomable goodness. If I can become one fraction of the kind, gentle, faithful woman she was. I will be a success. This is my desire, to be like her, to Glorify my God and to endure the hardship this world has with grace, dignity, purity and faith.
I do so miss you Mom, forgive me for how things ended up. I wish I could have kissed you into eternity. But you know I was there as long as I could be. I tired so hard to protect you and make things easier for you, more peaceful. I did my best I hope it was enough....I Love you Mom, Good Bye

Pedicure of the Soul

Part of my desert experience in Mexico involved God removing the callouses that had encrusted my soul by a lifetime of living in the USA. After a few month of living in Kino, I began to notice that whenever we would have to come back to the US for supplies I would feel a sense of oppression when crossing the border. This happened enough times that I began to ponder and contemplate it's meaning. I saw in my minds eyes a bubble over this country. This bubble was the spirit of oppression. It controls the people and causes them to be in a state of constant motion. Much unrest and no peace. I began to dread the trip because of the distress this caused me. It was so peaceful and simple in Mexico. I felt a freedom to just sit back and enjoy the beauty of God's creation. I felt like he had given me a pedicure of the soul. Gently, as I soaked in his presence the layers of dead skin and callouses were removed. He polished my heart and gave me a youthfulness that I hadn't had in many, many years.

After I moved back to Louisiana, I began to feel the pressure of the "daily grind". Remembering those feelings of peace in Mexico and unable to find them in my new life has caused me depression and confusion. In fact, not only have I been unable to find peace, but without my callouses as protection, I have been feeling so much pain and sorrow that I spend many hours a day in tears crying out to God for the injustice and horrors that we as humans inflict on one another. Weeping over the state of our Nation and the world. This new sensitivity has been very disconcerting to me. For months I have not been able to understand why I have been acting and feeling like such a big cry baby. It has almost been embarrassing. I have always been a strong person. In control of my emotions and my life. Now all of a sudden I am a weeping willow. Crying out over everything. I even begin to wonder if I am going crazy. Instead of embracing life with robust enthusiasm, I began to isolate, afraid to be out in the general public for my bizarre behavior. I started seeing a counselor and even contemplated medication. But then I would converse with God and tell Him, it is not right that God's child should need those things, those worldly things, in order to cope with my emotions. Although they made no sense to me they are still very real to me and I begged him to explain it to me.

God is so Faithful. Just when I come to the end of myself , he sends his messengers to shed His light on my situation. Holding me close he spoke to me. Saying that I am right. I do not need those things, he is showing me what it is to be human. To see the world through his eyes. The world is in a mess. This country, as she turns from her covenant with him, has allowed the spirit of oppression to surround her and encompass her. God's heart is breaking. His eyes are crying. He has so much hope for us, but our decisions are causing a series of events that will continue to bring pain and suffering to our people. Then he reminded me of his promise,

2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

I miss my Mom

One's family of origin has such a strong pull on one's life. We spend our entire adulthood trying to separate ourselves from it or at least trying to recover from it. It is hard to look forward without looking back. As we see our childhood through grown up eyes, we begin to see the reality of the relationships and situations that molded us into who we are. Some good, some not so good. None the less, the good relationship that we had and lost become more and more important.

I look around at my new apartment and think,"Mom would have loved it here. She would have found peace and comfort and acceptance here. " Something that she struggled with her whole life and really never found in her own home. I miss my Mom so much . I sometimes feel like a ship without a rudder since she passed away. Being the only daughter in a house full of boys, Mom and I had an alliance, a unique camaraderie, a friendship that I miss and long for. She always loved to come visit me. We enjoyed each others company so much.

Growing up Mom lived vicariously through me. She would paint and decorate my room in colors and accessories that she liked. Whether I liked it or not, I always told her that I did. It made her so happy to do for me and seeing the joy in her face made me so happy. Mom didn't have much as a little girl. In fact she was the last of 9 children and a "change of life" baby. She came from a dirt poor hillbilly family, deep in the backwoods of Kentucky. I think she probably made a promise to herself and to God, that if she ever had a little girl, she would make sure that that child never wanted for anything. She kept that promise. I was her china doll and nothing gave her more pleasure than to take good care of me. Which she did with an enthusiasm that I delighted in.

Most of my really important decisions in life were weighed against the question,"What would Mom think of this and would this hurt her?" I lived to make her happy just as she lived to make me happy. We were an inseparable team of love and now she is gone.

My First blog

So, I have been encouraged by many a friend and family to start a blog. I guess I have complained enough about have things to say and no one to listen. Now I sit here wondering what exactly my FIRST post should be...hmmm, perhaps just the experience of blogging. Strange thing, to write to the public at large. 21st century journaling. Does this mean the makers of composition books will go out of business? I have filled many of those, now hidden in the recesses of my closet.

I guess the "theme" of my blog will be as the title suggests, my journey through this life as a Widow. A label that I have struggled with and examined since the day God took my Beloved. I received the role with bittersweet trepidation. My transition into widowhood began in 2003 when my Beloved, Joe, was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It was a time of deep despair, fear and hope.