I miss my Mom

One's family of origin has such a strong pull on one's life. We spend our entire adulthood trying to separate ourselves from it or at least trying to recover from it. It is hard to look forward without looking back. As we see our childhood through grown up eyes, we begin to see the reality of the relationships and situations that molded us into who we are. Some good, some not so good. None the less, the good relationship that we had and lost become more and more important.

I look around at my new apartment and think,"Mom would have loved it here. She would have found peace and comfort and acceptance here. " Something that she struggled with her whole life and really never found in her own home. I miss my Mom so much . I sometimes feel like a ship without a rudder since she passed away. Being the only daughter in a house full of boys, Mom and I had an alliance, a unique camaraderie, a friendship that I miss and long for. She always loved to come visit me. We enjoyed each others company so much.

Growing up Mom lived vicariously through me. She would paint and decorate my room in colors and accessories that she liked. Whether I liked it or not, I always told her that I did. It made her so happy to do for me and seeing the joy in her face made me so happy. Mom didn't have much as a little girl. In fact she was the last of 9 children and a "change of life" baby. She came from a dirt poor hillbilly family, deep in the backwoods of Kentucky. I think she probably made a promise to herself and to God, that if she ever had a little girl, she would make sure that that child never wanted for anything. She kept that promise. I was her china doll and nothing gave her more pleasure than to take good care of me. Which she did with an enthusiasm that I delighted in.

Most of my really important decisions in life were weighed against the question,"What would Mom think of this and would this hurt her?" I lived to make her happy just as she lived to make me happy. We were an inseparable team of love and now she is gone.